I always have had a fantasy that one day, the love of my life will save me from my life.
I dreamed that he would come into my life and remove the loneliness, the struggles I put up with, and the hardship I have endured.
But you see, as gratifying as this fantasy was to imagine, it was impossible.
Heartbreak after heartbreak, I soon learned that NO ONE could save me.
Frankly, it was No One’s job to be my hero–except MINE…
First, I had to ask myself:
What did I need saving from?
Whom did I need saving from?
Even though I had many external challenges, I realized what I really needed was to be saved from Myself.
I needed to be saved from the beliefs I had about myself, about happiness, and about the world.
You see, I thought I was stuck with my circumstances and assumed that my life’s events dictated how I should feel about myself.
I lived by a set of beliefs that influenced how I viewed the world, such as:
- Happiness was out of reach.
- Every rejection confirmed that I am not enough!
- If I failed in something once, I’ll most likely fail again and that’s bad…
- Nothing comes easy.
- You should always please others.
- If you’re not sacrificing something, you don’t deserve what you want.
- Some people are just lucky.
- True love doesn’t exist.
And no one was going to save me from these beliefs–except myself.
Autumn 2012 was when it all began to change.
One night, I was lying on my bedroom floor, crying my heart out, listening to “Patience” by Guns N’ Roses. I was heartbroken and very sad.
You know when you cry so much, you suddenly feel you’re gasping harder for air, then the crying soothes you into some form of calmness that is bittersweet?
In that moment, I knew I had enough. I had enough of feeling miserable.
I had enough of feeling like I was incomplete, always waiting for something or someone to make me feel differently.
I wanted to feel complete, happy, and just have FUN, for goodness’ sake.
I slept it off with tears drying on my cheeks, with Axl Rose in the background singing “Need a little patience, yeah – Just a little patience, yeah…”
I awakened the next day feeling different–slightly better and slightly more determined.
This determination inspired a decision: I wanted change, and I knew it had to come through me.
So, gradually, with this decisiveness, I started doing things differently.
- Primarily, I stopped spending lots of time with people who brought me down. Instead, I spent my time with people who brought out the best in me.
- I moved more. I took longer walks, listening to my favorite music, down my favorite streets and next to the ocean.
- I read empowering books that helped me realize how I wanted to see the world and myself.
- I journaled.
- I laughed more.
- I started treating myself better.
- I even started looking better. I picked clothes that made me happy and styled my hair more.
- I bought my daily coffee from my favorite place (even though this made me late for work every day –– it was worth it).
- I ate delicious food.
- I went biking.
- I watched TV series that made me happy.
- I went out more.
- I met new people.
- I spent time with my cat.
- I did my best at work.
- I went out with my colleagues.
- I took days off.
- I redecorated my apartment.
- I took pictures of myself and my surroundings.
And I did simpler things that made me feel hopeful, happier, and comfortable being me.
Autumn ended, and I found myself welcoming winter with a different vibe.
For the first time ever, I felt like I did not need a hero or anyone else to change my life.
I was happy to be exactly who I was –– high-spirited, joyful, grateful, confident, and vigorous.
Soon enough, with the first touch of December snow, I met the man of my dreams –– now my husband.
When we met, I was not looking, I was not longing –– I was satisfied, content, and whole. I also knew what I wanted in a partner and for myself.
It’s funny that it wasn’t until I fell in love with myself that I met him.
My relationship with myself continues to grow.
I still have days when I am not feeling that well – when I doubt myself and question my decisions – when I am down and unable to pick myself up.
What helps me is knowing that it’s always a work in progress.
This Valentine’s Day, I am not only celebrating my husband and best friends.
I also am celebrating Me. Thank you for bringing me this far. I love you.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Dear Ones…